One of which I can remember very well is an incident that happened while i was on exchange.
Background: I was introduced to a guy S by my room mate. He appeared to be a very friendly person but a man of few words.
Incident: One day I was rushing to my next class which was on the other side of the town. To get there I had to take a shuttle bus. (Similar to taking the shuttle bus to Bukit Timah campus). It was then that I bumped into S. Since I was in a rush it took me a couple of seconds to recognize him. I smiled widely at him, but at the same time I wondered how I am to greet him.
A hug (common among my Srilankan friends), a formal handshake, a casual high five or a handshake along with cheek kisses (which is very common among Quebecois)?
Meanwhile, he had put his hand forward as a gesture for the Quebecois handshake but, I stood there wondering. This moment of pause resulted in awkwardness and before I can return the gesture he withdrew his hand in embarrassment.Soon the awkwardness passed as he introduced his nearby friend, then we exchanged a few kind words and finally I politely excused myself to leave. To prevent another moment of awkwardness he hastily brought his fist forward now as a good bye gesture known as "Fist bump". Returning this gesture I left the place.
Consequence: A few days later I met my room mate at a dinner and S had turned up as well. However, as I was seated far away I never got the chance to talk to him. But I did notice that he seemed quite distant, less friendly I would say. I smiled at him but his return smile looked like he had forced it upon his face for courtesy. I questioned myself as to why he would suddenly be hostile towards me. I kept thinking it over and over and I finally resolved to discussing with my room mate.
I mentioned this to my room mate after dinner and she exclaimed that he had mentioned something about my last meeting with him but, was unaware of the details.
What do you think went wrong? How do you think I should tackle this situation?
My interpretation
I believe that it was the greeting incident and in particular that moment of pause, had given S some negative feelings. He could have felt less respected esp when his greeting gesture wasn't returned. In addition, the fact that this incident happened infront of one of his friends could have made matters worse. His friend could have made fun of him and this could have escalated the negative feelings towards me.
I also believe that this incident rose due to the difference in our cultural background. In my home country after the first meeting no two people continue with formal gestures and when they become good friends the gesture shifts to friendly hug (between male and female or female and female).However, in Montreal it is a usual custom to greet each other in the Quebecois way.
Hey Priya!
ReplyDeleteI remembered you mentioning this before in class! I guess this incident really made an impact to you!
I supposed it was a tiring day and you were rushing for time and hence maybe your mind was not focus, resulting in your slow reaction to that handshake!
I think the only thing you can do now is to be more careful in future! Try to react faster. Besides the cultural difference in greeting, I think that individual personality plays a part in this too. I guess his ego may be quite high and could not handle embarrassment.
(=
Thanks for sharing this story with us. It's detailed and clearly written. I tend to agree with your interpretation regarding the greeting, but I suspect that you are being overly sensitive when it comes to the idea that he had lost respect for you because of that awkward second. Of course, since I wasn't there, I can't say for sure.
ReplyDeleteDear Priya,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting scenario.. I'm sure if I were to face the same situatioin, I will react the same way like you. It's especially difficult to react to greetings of people from all over the world.
After the small misunderstanding, if I were in your shoes, I will approach S and ask him why is he being cold towards me. It is my practice to clear the air if misunderstandings arise.
I quite agree with your interpretation to the problem. However, the fact that R returned a goodbye gesture makes me feel that he shouldn't be angry at you for not returning his 'hi' gesture. I'm sure he should be understanding enough to know that you may not be familar with his cultures and values.
Like what Sze and Brad say, perhaps things are not like what you think, so you should not take it to heart. Cheers!
Hello Priya,
ReplyDeleteI guess such situations happen in Singapore too. I have many acquaintances that my friends have introduced to me. Initially, we would greet whenever we meet each other. However, as time past, I guess people do distant and we no longer greet each other as though we are strangers.
Even though it may leave a negative impression on the other party but I guess there is nothing bad about it. If you were to meet that acquaintance again it will be easier for you two interact and become good friends. This is because you guys already knew each others before some misunderstandings occured.
For your situation, if you get the chance to visit Canada and meet that acquaintance once again, I guess you can first start with a greeting and engage a conversation. Thereafter, you can start asking about what happened last time and apologise to him. Hope this would help.
Thanks for the post once again
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Priya,
ReplyDeleteI feel that S may not really be unhappy with you because he still gave you a "fist bump" as a goodbye gesture, he probably understood that you were not familiar with their culture. Also, it could be possible that the return smile during the dinner seemed abit forced on because he was tired that day. Sometimes when I am unhappy or tired, I would find it quite difficult to smile geniunely=)
If I was in your situation such that I think S may have a misunderstanding towards me, I might actually try create a chance to talk to S after knowing that he mentioned about your previous meeting to your room mate. I feel that it is quite important to try to clear such a misunderstanding so that if met with the similar situation, you would know how to handle it better. Hope this helps=)
I believe I did sound a little too sensitive about this incident. This is because I didn't expect a simple "misunderstanding" would have had any negative effect on him. In fact a response I expected from him, was him to tease me in a friendly way about the whole incident.However, when he reacted differently it took me by surprise.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do agree with Hui Xia and Mushu. When I did meet him the next time I took it as an opportunity to apologize to him.I felt that there was no need to ask him why he acted a bit weird the other day, instead I went straight to the point and apologized.He immediately forgave me.Furthermore, we did become good friends.I guess his previous reaction was on an impulse or like Hui Xia said maybe he had other things on his mind. Whichever it was, the misunderstanding was cleared and in a way I got to know him much better afterwards.
I do agree with you Keldren, the next time I met him I knew exactly how to greet him plus his friends as well. Additionally, I realized how gestures I considered minor need not be the same for other people. One of the contributors for this difference maybe due to the influence from the culture and traditions that we belong to.
Thank you for all the comments :)